How did I get back to this place?
and How do I get the fuck out?
To the answer the first question, I'll start by saying that I ran across a quote recently: "People say that bad memories cause the most pain. But it's the good ones that actually drive you insane." In the past few months/years (I'm not sure how long), I have been haunted by good memories. And now I realize that I have been living in an idealized past, which to this day stops me from moving forward. As you probably guessed, these memories are of a boy—a boy who used to make me happy and now tortures me without even knowing it. The truth is, I don't even know him anymore.
Let's rewind.
I was brainstorming on ideas for a screenplay earlier this year, around May. Someone told me to start with a "what if" to form a concept. I wrote down two:1. What if you were stuck in the past?
2. What if you were only capable of loving one person?
Now, looking at them side-by-side, I see that they are not in fact two separate ideas. They are, for me, one in the same.
I am trapped by memories of a beautiful relationship which no longer exists.
On that same page, I had recorded a quote from Samuel Beckett's Cascando:If you do not love me
I shall not be loved
If I do not love you
I shall not love
I do not agree with this poem. I believe that love is a series of choices, an all-too-conscious decision to work through problems rather than give up. Though I sincerely hope this poem is not true for me, I cannot be sure: I have no proof of the contrary, for I have yet to love any other boy. What I do know from experience is that filling all of your capacity to love with one person is a huge risk. In doing so, you may experience immense disappointment, regret, and pain...a wound like no other.
From this wound I have yet to heal.
My wounded friend, in order to love you must be open to it. It is a conduit that flows both ways, and if the channel is not open, you cannot love. I feel as though you'll never have your proof so long as you have invested all of your heart and mind into a relationship where the love flows one way.
ReplyDeleteBeing "given up" on hurts, and it leaves you questioning your value, but realize that what you perceive as "giving up" in this other person may be a transference of an economy that we know as "love." Love that goes from you to oneself, another person, a cause, anything: love has to live somewhere, it doesn't just go away.
The real dilemma is where you focus YOUR love- whether it be into your work, into learning, or into a memory.
Hope you find clarity someday soon :)