Traveling makes me feel jaded. 
Watching countless towns come and go; seeing the same restaurants and billboards and gas stations; realizing more with every exit that my hometown is no different from any of them: it makes me feel like a tiny ant crawling aimlessly through a maze.


Also, I won two dollars today by playing the lottery in Arkansas. Still, he and I are not quite even, considering the bumpy roads and filthy bathrooms. But hey, at least I didn't get lost in Pine Bluff again.
On the up-side, I'm back in Dallas! First items of business: moving in and finding a job. Wish me luck!

Promise

I refuse to ever be a puppet to a corporation, a toy to a man, or a disappointment to myself.

And if that means driving a junky car till I die; if that means living in a tiny studio apartment; if that means shopping on a budget and eating at home and not having cable and sewing my own fucking clothes...Well, that's perfectly fine with me.


This is not for readers so much as for myself. This is a promise to myself. Because unfortunately, this is all too easy for ladies today to forget, including myself. We continually throw away our self-worth and our dreams to fulfill what someone else wants us to be, to take the easy route. 

I for one am completely fed up with doubting myself. 

Trophy wife? Fuck that.

Clock's Ticking

When there is no immediacy, nothing gets done.
But when the pressure's on, I feel alone, wallowing in my own hopeless self-pity. I start to do something, then stop, want to call somebody or go for a walk. Start & Stop. Start & Stop. All day.

This is how people settle into patterns of ordinary life. AVERAGE. I don't want to be average.

Currently listening to: Under Pressure by Queen/David Bowie




[I read two plays this weekend, one of which I enjoyed. Small success, even if I owe it to the power outage. Oh, and the world didn't end.]

Get Busy Living

Supposedly, the world is going to end today. 












If you're still wondering what this is all about, this short article breaks it down: http://www.businessinsider.com/end-of-world-may-21-2011-4 
But no, I do not believe that this Judgment Day theory is true. Regardless, though, why would anyone fret about the world coming to a sudden end? That is, after all, the inevitable fact of life: if it doesn't end today, then will it tomorrow? the next day? the next?...

The most poisonous thing a person can do is sit at home, waiting for something to happen. It quickly becomes a habit, and eventually becomes a lifestyle. 

I unfortunately learned that first-hand over the past year. I turned down one opportunity after another out of fear: fear of failing, fear of spending money, fear of falling behind in school, fear of being discouraged by others. Then  one day I was sitting there in my single apartment, and literally felt as if time were standing still. It was then that I realized I had been putting off life. Sure, I was saving money and eating healthy and making great grades. On paper, my life was productive and smart. But in reality, I wasn't even living anymore. I had micromanaged every detail of every day to the point that I had lost touch with friends, and was stuck in this monotonous and joyless pattern of existence. 
Now, if ever I feel myself slipping back into that apathy and laziness, I quickly catch myself. Get out of the pajamas, set some goals, keep moving forward. Make the most of today, every day, because there is no guarantee of seeing tomorrow. 


"I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying." The Shawshank Redemption, 1994

if only, if only

I wish I were an animal—to be so straightforward that I could greet my sister by tackling her to the ground, solely out of affection; to take naps unashamedly; to run around the neighborhood with no inhibitions, no logical purpose, and no worries. Instead, here I am, sitting methodically and dispassionately at my computer, waiting for my washing machine to buzz. 

Productivity, 

Rationality, 

Efficiency: 

these are the values of our society. 

Vulnerability is weakness. Fun is for the frivolous. We obediently learn how to protect ourselves from showing traces of such things in our lives. These lies unite to form the inflated human ego, which has proven itself to be a volatile creation indeed.

This ego is to some degree responsible for nearly all economic, political, and social failures in our world today.
Why, I wonder, do we feel the need to continually demonstrate our control over nature, animals, and ultimately over one another? Bullying, abuse, theft: these acts wreak of insecurity and unhappiness. Inner issues with outer consequences. As I watch the news, crimes like these don't outrage me anymore. I, like the majority, have become fairly numb to violence and suffering. Instead I now feel a deep sadness, slight guilt even, for the failures of our social institutions.
Our own egocentrism is slowly leading toward the downfall of the human race. So...what are you going to do about it? 

What. am. I. going to. do about it? That's the real question.
In the meantime, I maintain that if reincarnation is true, I'm hoping to return as some really cool animal. 
A cassowarie would be ideal. 

Speedbump

No, I did not get hit by another car.

I am currently suffering from that all-too-common pain-in-the-ass, "writer's block." Oh, how I have grown to hate those two words. Actually, it's not a block so much as a dam. That is, I am not at a loss for words; rather, I have too many. They're all conflicting and intertwining and mushing around inside my head, then on the page. I have not been able to filter them, so there they are, collecting: word vomit in my notebook. Gross.


Starting is easily the most difficult part of any project, and the planning stages always bring the biggest headaches. Considering this is the first time I have attempted any sort of creative writing since high school, I suppose this kind of struggle is to be expected. Countless ideas have been circulating around my noggin for years, and now I have to decide which is most important, then find the words. Well, back to the books!


[In other news: miniature hail-storm in Knoxville today. Also, I burnt the last bag of popcorn, which I'm sure you will agree, is the worst.]

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.

Samuel Beckett

Stand still; Repeat

I want to write a screenplay so brilliant that it achieves national recognition, sweeps film festivals across the country, and lunges me rapidly into the spotlight as one of the promising young voices of our generation.
I want to direct a play so inspiring and beautiful that it catches every facet of the human experience, moves audience members to change their lives; I want to change peoples' minds about theatre.
I want to move to LA, star in some sell-out TV show, live in a bungalow apartment in West Hollywood, and party like all the hipsters (taking artsy pictures to document our fabulous lives).
I want to surf. And skydive. I want to travel the world.

At the moment, I am in Knoxville, TN, sitting in my pajamas, listening to the radio.
So...how to go from here to there: that is my current dilemma. I guess I'll start by getting out of my pajamas.

But really, as someone with huge dreams, I feel static when I'm home. Not to mention I cannot find a play (after reading about twenty) that I want to produce. Perhaps I have been too passive in  my search for a play (or, arguably, in my artistic career in general). All the libraries and bookstores in the world aren't going to magically present me with the perfect play, one that speaks exactly to my experience of life. So why not write my own? Furthermore, instead of auditioning and waiting to get cast in a play, why not create my own opportunities? 


I have so much to say; perhaps it's time to take that giant leap of faith and start writing...Wish me luck. I'll keep you updated.