Oops

I couldn't sleep last night. In fact, all winter break, I have struggled to fall asleep and have barely even wanted to go to bed. Being back home makes me feel as though I never left, and never will leave ever again. My bedroom is eerily comfortable: the bright red walls, a collage of ticket stubs, boxes of photographs. Pictures and souvenirs trigger my memory, and I can sit on my floor, looking through them over and over again, reliving every spelling bee, every dance, every picture day. They briefly distract me from having to think about the present or future; briefly, life seems all figured out.


That is, until something snaps me out of it. Tonight, that something is my journal from summer 2008. Here's what I wrote:
"I've always had this idea of some grand transformation to take place in college. But Rob Bell [author] says, 'If you have issues surrounding your identity, those issues will not go away if you "make it." They will be there until they are hunted down and identified and dealt with.' It's true. Because even if I end high school with a 4.0 GPA, get into some great college, figure out a major that's really exciting, and get out of town next year, I can't just 'start over.' I can't leave behind my insecurities and doubts and issues. Those have to be dealth with now. Enough running away."
Pause, set down journal. Mhmm...looks like I forgot to take my own advice. Just when I think my "double-life" fantasy has come to life, it gets too complicated to handle. Two things I have learned about the past: you can't run from it, and you can't change it. Though some parts I would rather forget, every experience that I have ever had will stay with me for the rest of my life. Somewhere amidst the insanity of the past year, I forgot that. So I guess looking through old boxes isn't such a waste of time after all.