Epiphany

Tonight was one of the all-time worst, turned all-time best nights of my life. 
Let me explain:




The past month or so, I have been feeling completely insecure. I feel like I have been clawing for blades of grass to keep from falling over the edge of a cliff. Those blades are the people I once considered my closest friends here. And the cliff, loneliness. Anyway, it all came to the surface tonight...


I was having a horribly frustrating night, until about thirty minutes ago. On top of the four and a half hours of life-sucking backstage grunge work, I went to a rehearsal at which I felt completely drained, apathetic, and uninspired. I rushed out of the building feeling unaccomplished and lonely, admittedly having quarantined myself away from the group.


For the first time, I thought: What am I doing here? Why go through all of this work only to feel like a failure at the end of the day? 
The alluringly forbidden thought crept into my head: I could drop out of college altogether and move on with my life, free of all the social drama and the stress and the homework.
I could beat the college system by simply saying, I don't need your stupid diploma! I'll move to L.A. and get famous and make beautiful, inspiring art all on my own!


I jumped on my bike, nearly hyperventilating as I pedaled speedily through campus. As I rode, my mind was racing, and then it hit me: Rather than leave school to get away from these feelings of insecurity and unhappiness, why can't I just omit the things and people in my life that are making me unhappy? I shouldn't have to give up everything I've worked for--that is, my education and my art--to be happy. Especially when the cause is as silly as high school drama.

So it took one really icky night to make me realize: Life is not about popularity. It's about truth and beauty. It's about feeling instead of doing. It's about the people and things that make you happy, that bring out the best in you. And you know, that's all I'm really interested in.