Restless

My biggest fear is losing an inch of my freedom.


I have known one too many a girl who surrendered her own ambitions to fulfill a man's. I have felt one too many times the grasp of an institution pulling me back, ordering me to live by its rules. I have run from one too many relationships, platonic and romantic alike, fearing that I might lose a part of myself if I let someone in too close.


Each time I perform, I feel a surge of energy as I surrender myself to whatever might happen once I enter that scary, mysterious place called the stage. In my life, though, I will do almost anything to avoid that feeling of surrender. I want control. I need control.


I need control so badly that I will destroy anything that seeks to take it away from me.
This small town tries to keep me from doing big things? I'll move to Dallas.
The law says I can't drink until I'm 21? I'll get a fake i.d.
Some boy wants to make me his girlfriend? I'll stop returning his calls.


Perhaps this need to control is what led me to directing. I feel at peace when I am in complete control of a rehearsal, deciding exactly what needs work when and how to go about doing that work. It's HEAVEN!


If only this quality could have an off switch, I would be a perfectly productive, happy human being, rather than a twenty-one-year-old workaholic.