New Year

I declare 2012 a time for Self-reconstruction.

Lately I, like many others, have been driven toward self-destructive habits. Smoking, binge drinking, eating junk food, laying in bed until after noon, ignoring problems instead of solving them, sulking in the past instead of working toward the future, waiting for opportunities to present themselves instead of making things happen for myself. 


I didn't think I would make a New Year's resolution this year. I usually do, but this year, it felt unnecessary. That is, until I found myself sitting in a hotel room at 3 AM on New Year's, drunk as a skunk, hookahed up, body aching, empty Mcdonald's bag bedside, and most importantly, facing the deep unhappiness that has been hanging over me for a while now. I realized last night that I had a resolution to make after all: it's time to end this self-destruction.


I've always had supportive friends, family, and community here in Knoxville. At some point after I moved to Dallas (which was over two years ago), I began to take that support for granted. I felt invincible, and I suppose I wanted to test the limits of my comfortable life; see how messy things could get. And they got quite messy, indeed. 
One of my favorite movie quotes comes to mind: "I'm such an unholy mess of a girl." That's from The Philadelphia Story (1940).  Unfortunately, living as an unholy mess isn't as glamorous as it sounded coming from Katherine Hepburn. 
Sorry, Kate. You're on your own now.