Here I am,
back in the same little kitchen in the same little
house in the same little city in Tennessee.
One year ago, I was probably sitting in this exact spot, reveling in how much things had changed during one semester. Freshman year exposed me to so many things and people that challenged my every outlet. I was exhausted and exhilarated by the newness of it all.
Now it seems routine.
I go to Texas for four months, come back to Tennessee for a month, spend four more months in Texas, and come back for summer. Don't get me wrong: it's not a bad gig. But something's off; I feel radically older yet stuck in adolescence at the same time.
Flying almost 900 miles to a huge city where I live alone makes me feel pretty mature. Then I come home to a family who takes care of me in every way, and I realize: perhaps I'm not so independent. After all, this new lifestyle, with flights, tuition, and rent, requires money. Mentally, I am an adult, but financially, I am still a child.
As Brittany Spears would say, "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman." At least she understands.
So when does the cycle break and maturity begin? It's not adulthood that scares me, but rather, not knowing when or how it begins. How can I indulge in my youth with this question festering in the back of my mind? Inhibitions are overwhelming me as I search for the answer.
In the mean time, life is a mixture of two extremes:
1. "grandma Parham", and
2. "little M"
That's right: I have two identities. Though this lifestyle feels a bit like a bad roller coaster, it is also a temporary solution to my ambivalence.
Anyway, I hope everyone's having great family time so far! Check back for more posts soon. The holidays make me extra-reflective.
Our ultimate dream is that when we're old ladies, we'll do nothing but crosswords all day and feel perfectly content. We'll wear fuzzy pajamas and get tipsy on cheap wine and laugh at what the neighbors must think.
